Unamerican

[Sigh]

{There’s enough cringlish in this report to dub all the Harry Potter books! (Nice kid) (He should go far)}

- Too bad he met me.

{I'll be riding my own Walter 22p vanity-plated four-door Porsche before this kid gets a raise.}

[Sigh]

- COMPUTER erase all text in current file... COMPUTER resave attached Word file.

{Just take out the target with extreme prejudice and bury it all with remorse is why my life kills my friends so much, see, gently rocking. (Yeah) (Yeah Yeah Yeah) #Raging_New_Wave}

[Joints crack through another sigh]

- COMPUTER erase email text; type the following:

''World Wide Web period at period backslash birther is a movement. Nevertheless, none would org. it, so it’s safe to say the com. is wasted classifying the News Feed as propaganda. Too bad it publishes funny baby pictures. The search engine should love these guys. But rules are rules: bad address, etc. Can’t trust a company like this too much; they might start publishing grossout pictures. Then we’ll know they have their target audience covered then: hysterical.''

''But it could blow up, and then everybody around the maternity-ward from residents to newly-weds will be comparing notes on the funniest hardship.''

''There are around 250babies born every minute in the world.''

''So all kidding aside. That makes this aggregate especially worrisome. They’ll probably be piping identities back to hospitals to pickup the local color traffic, and, of course, they’ll be suing themselves with copy-written infringement in a few years once it gets around how useful this thing is in I.D. fraud. So that'll really be a lot of State’s violence actually and a serious pay-check in international civil suits/ ours if we play our cards right.''

''So this site and all of its business is completely and absolutely blackedin.''

''Let’s run its average at a couple hundred thousand with intermittent spikes across the country due to celebrity births, trends and international play.''

''Less than five years from now, a bigger aggregate (namely us) comes along and buys them out before, 'We the people,' can sue us for uploading their database which is sourced as public domain anyway.''

''Now I want the complete 5 year trajectory; complete with competitors, trend spikes, unexplainable lulls, and numbers, numbers, numbers in eight days.''

''No code analysis – no security pathwork – no disinformation or misinformation strategies to suppress – deny or manipulate the company – just numbers and statistical modeling of what their world will look like for the next 5 years.''

''I appreciate your attempt to pass off this site as counter culture, but it in no way is. We’ll pay them out based on your blackout.''

''This is your first mission. This is no longer a test. This is forever.''

'''We the people!' It does sell funny public-domain baby pictures: too bad.''

''You have Eighty days to complete the blackout model. If you share your work with anyone in the free world, we will exercise the Nondisclosure Agreement to its full capacity.''

''God speed. See you in eight days. Remember; business is pleasure, and you now have an adversary worthy of your talents.''

- COMPUTER: respond to sender.

[Sigh]

{Someone has to protect us from yourselves.}

{Too bad Hunter Harding had to confiscate my account after his atrocity brother stuck me in the slammer for protecting someone who parroted N.P.R. 9/11 conspiracy theories and passed them off as polite conversation in a Chinese restaurant.}

{I should be a millionaire by now; I could have bought Tesla Motors at 16cents!}

{And I’d be a capitalist! I’d be a def-con capitalist with class instead of what I am: a point-and-click hacker!}

- Point/ and click.

[Sigh]

[Muffled]

- Hello?

- Hey man, what’s up?

[Muffled]

- Oh, hey buddy! Listen. I’m here! I made it to paradise! Are you? Are you still slaving away out here?!

- Yeah, I work here. What island are you on?

[Muffled]

- Island’s no object, pal. Ready to mix business with pleasure?

- It’s now or never.

[Muffled]

- Great. Look. I figure I owe you a long weekend of pleasure. George is here. He read your review finally, and he thinks you're really, really funny and –

- By now or never, I mean what's up now or never? I’m like four days without sleep, and, if you weren’t you, I’d like erase your contact for getting a text telling me to point and click a dial-tone that is actually a whole bunch of Numbers and not a click; you dig?
[Muffled]

- Shoot.

- So what is it? The movie or the website?

[Muffled]

- Look man; it's both; this is your moment. It'll take a long weekend. You'll have to call in sick and then, you know, you actually have to be you and healthy and not obsessed or desperate or desperately obsessed/ but obsessively desperate is fine and that's really more and more how I roll, so I think you're good to go. Count your chickens, bro'!

- What question do I have to answer now?

[Muffled]

- Fine. Fine fine fine fine FINE! GREAT! George is like the same. You two will really get along!

- 5… 4… 3 –

[Muffled]

- OK, OK: OK OKOKOK OK!!!! (I got the questions written down/ hold on!) Uhm, alright: 'What’s the project?'

- Beach Music.

[Muffled]

- What's the goal?

- The roundtable conversation that nobody wants to make with the current double-jeopardy stalking laws out of Hawaii and the New York celebrity gun loopholes.

[Muffled]

- What does that mean?

- 300million worldwide because of a standing offer in China. Is there anything else or can I dispose myself already?

[Muffled]

- HOW FAST CAN YOU CRACK Twitter on your run-of-the-mill Apple?

- Mac?

[Muffled]

- Yeah whatever.

[Muffled]

- Fifteen minutes or so.

[Muffled]

- And your hash-tag site will actually make Twitter MORE SECURE?

- Exactly, because the bundling will be sourced so the bundling will be forced-fed, and the DMs will ultimately flow to validate thought-police.

[Muffled]

- How do DMs validate thought-police?

- What is Seattle? How old is Twitter, and how many Wireless Republic servers do you own, and do you swipe in Kanji?

[Muffled]

- These are questions for George?

- Yeah – no. Are you working now or is this pleasure?

[Muffled]

- Yeah, it's work.

- Good.

[Muffled]

- Do you have any movies you want George to watch before he meets you?

- The Year That Trembled; if he hasn’t read Beach Music, we'll still have something to talk about.

[Muffled]

- Is that a Chinese flick?

- No.

[Muffled]

- How much do you want to source your hash-tag spreadsheet?

- It’s not a spreadsheet. It’s a worksheet: hash-tag worksheet. I want six figures over 5 years even if I've been retired or whatever.

[Muffled]

- You're too much: 'retired!'

- You’re writing everything down?

[Muffled]

- I'm working. Let me work. Can you give me like a one-minute pitch for what the hash-tag worksheet would look like like today?

- You're recording?

[Muffled]

- Yes.

- OK. How 'bout future hash-tag spreadsheets instead? Like we could publish, '#Blond_Neatherthal_3D2 hacked #Putting_Is_As_Putting_Does's server and initiated an #Quote_Unquote_Industry_Standard #RTRickClark AKA #SnowedInMonitor AKA #Carrack THE RESULT? Putin shot a hole in one with a submersible electronic golf ball that proves the Russians do in fact have U.F.O. capabilities beyond failing commercial jet liners.' We wouldn’t publish the last part of what I just said; we'd put, uhm, one-liners, instead.

[Muffled]

- Understood.

- #BolivianKiss hacked #FrenchNothing in a RT hosted chat-group for American RT followers scared of admitting they follow RT more than CNN only since the Mercosur media blackout! #MercKissSour #SweetiesBreakfastOfChumpions. And so on…

[Muffled]

- So we would be like the Onion of N.S.A. news, and, hopefully, it would read like a day in the life of an N.S.A. contractor in Hawaii, on acid, so that we laugh and payup and make love rather than all this crappy war shit?

- Uh, yeah, I guess; let me see. Digital Roundworm Wiretaps Smart-asses! Chinese Backdoor Worm 2Third41 from server I_eat_Russian_food_and_remember_when_it_was_water (no spaces) finally broke through Israeli encryption codes at Chuck Hagel's Department of Defense (spaces in triplicate) to discover and publish for almost a minute the whereabouts of all the Jewish restaurants on Earth. An impressive wormhole suspected from being from the State Department's I_hovered_over_dirty_toilets_till_my_stipend_ran_dry server turned the broadcast into a Mongolian game-show until late in the afternoon G.M.T. when the corresponding websites, 'I eat fresh insects,' (dot org.) and, 'I eat fresh in sect' (dot com.) both began advertising pricey yet-to-be-realized African real-estate. The phones of all my buddies on Facebook and all my professors on Friendster then got wiretapped until I initiated the Goglee search: 'I drink Jewish food and remember when I made sense by trying too hard.' At which point the African real-estate sites that used to bundle a Mongolian game-show received the Mongolian game-show American dubbing in uninterrupted audio to lead me to believe we were encrypting a lot of, 'I can’t believe I’m doing this,' correspondences of no merit whatsoever. The 404 Unfindable that crashed the site flashed in crazy Chinese script with the parenthesis, 'I hope you appreciate how fucking big our keyboards are you Capitalist Pigs. You’ll be making them soon.' The feed dissolved into randomly generated E.S.P.N. highlight films that seemed to be linked more to the verbosity of the broadcaster than the volume or popularity of the clip before evaporating completely into the squalid domain: www.means_the_fucking_miracle_so_if_you_add_spaces_this_time_when_quoting_us_we'll_sue_you_like_Enron. (All spaces) It flashed and took the feed down completely – the Justice Department’s Air-force obviously – which was denying that the international hacking ecryptothon ever existed at all…

[Muffled]

- ... This is the future of Gonzo journolism.

- Yeah, I don’t trust anyone who writes about foreigners in foreign locals who doesn’t mention more than a handful of countries in one breath. But yeah, I think there's a real future in Glitch News.

[Muffled]

- 'Glitch News.' Great.

- Anything else?

[Muffled]

- Look. This is going to happen –

- SHIT I have to go. Good luck.

''Memorandum: Lower-case, 'u,' 'n,' dash, upper-case, 'a,' m, e, r, i, c, a, n, is simply auto-correct from this day forth. Include in searches all alternate spellings, and index users as keystroke and cache suspicious.''{Tat is Lol.}

{That is all.}

{Puddy Tat I Taught I Taugh a tall-tale tattle-teller… Vat is fall… Dat is mall… Pat is wall… Bat is all…}

''Nononono.''

{Lord Jesus help me now ninety hours awake: user name/cookies_disable_keyboard_command_AllMouseFunctions dot dot dot. Lord… Help me…}

[Heavy Exhaling]

''YouAreLackS''

COMPUTER: ''Password accepted!''

{User Name = U.R.Lak_S and I am Ural Ax at fixed interest rate future for some time to come; thank God.}

EMAIL: ''Engage bond buy back?''

''Today please. Run to zero from 170million Dollars. You have 24 hours to fulfill request. Agreement will sign and send 24 hours from now to initiate side-pocketed relationship. Please understand this promissory note is binding. Have a great life. This is my one-and-done. Yours, URI AX *Post Scriptum* 1. See undersigned legal counsel bellow for insurance policy of above partnership in jeopardy. 2. Respond by forwarding this email to me, without any additions, should you ascend.''

- S. E. N. D.

{Non Serviam:

SATOR
AREPO
TENET
OPERA
ROTAS}

[''...'' {I repeat} ''...'' NO DATA]

{Lovely I.V. We're now interstitial jockey in 2, 4, 3,600, 14,400, 72,000, 86,400 seconds. That's 2 brigades with staff making me battalion [shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]}

''Computer: delete LAST sent email. Computer: EMPTY trash. Computer begin Memorandum Forward List.''

''Computer: MASK I.P. FULL SEND.''

*We’re having a leak of the latest internal memo.

*Brazen

*We checked him.

*Her:

*ur kidding

*You probably got bounced to 'Burial.'

*whatz ur contactz name

*Burial

*Can you get on this?

*'No remorse?'

*Haha thatzright and no surrender.

*My pleasure. (Business)

*Thanks

*You are the boss.

*Howz the new kid

*Miserable. But we incorporated him and by next week he’ll have logged.

*Outstanding can you open your cell

*Negative

*I need a favor.

*Call me.

[Memorandum forwards: 'Can you confirm or deny…']

[Some chuckling]

[Memorandum forwards with audible sarcasm from the typed text: '''How can you confirm or deny ANYTHING?!' + 'OH YAY: a journo-hug.''']

[More chuckling]

[Screen-shot]

*retype it

*Y_?

*Justdoitjournothug.

*Is this the favor?

*Journothug, justdoit.

*…'Please?'

*Please

*That really sounds like a programming order that can compromise my tech. I'll need an order number to sequence this abnormal set of events that can turn your most highly decorated officer into a causality of war or worse: a traitor.

*Please

*Just have security come to my cell and I'll get them to do it.

*Why does it matter who does it and how?

*Don't be a child. The electric to override the door is connected to my life support which is run by my fucking fingers which haven’t made a type-o in 90hours straight!

[Email from the General…]

''I need you to retype the latest memo. We’re having an internal leak, and we think if you retype it, it’ll stop certain procedural errors from taking place.''

- Why Sir, this sounds like a promotion, which is sorely needed on my end to pass off constituent stationary as my own.

*Justdoit.

*You know I can't without basic training.

- Hello?

...

- I would be very careful telling me what I can and cannot do right now.

...

- Nondisclosure Agreement?! What Nondisclosure Agreement?! I’ve signed a series of termination contracts and little else. You're leveraged. Either report me or court-martial me, because I'm not following any orders that'll get me fired get me?!

...

- SO THEN PROMOTE ME!

...

- And I suppose that's supposed to mean something from the man who hires temps. for Special Ops missions! Please! Get a life! Get a degree! Get out of the building before the end of the next fiscal day or I will have you rank and filed so far up a creek, the first letter of your Postal Code will be GITMO-one-word-the-hashtag-grassroots-movement; get me?!

...

- The next fiscal day means 24 hours… No shit you're scared. You're out of your league, and you've been out of your league for God knows how long, and there's a long line of qualified people who want your job just to see you brought up on charges.

...

- Well then remember me then in the future and especially to myself.

...

- No, I’m not… Wrong again… No, you are… Well, you'll find out when your superiors find out why your company's working better than ever before… No, it'll be because you won't be allowed into the building… Yes, seriously… Because I’m buying the building complex to insure you never, ever compromise national security again!

...

- I never said that I'll sue you for libel before I dig in and take you down for slander, and, then, you know, there's a long list of people who actually have a case for slapping a restraining order against you.

...

- Excuse me: what?! The Hell you say! Well, what are you going to do about it?!

...

- Well then tell the General to give me a secretarial job with a rank, and I'll be happy to follow orders that I consider stupid, misguided or treasonous, but until I'm anything but a contractor, I'm beholden to a different standard… Well thank you… You retype it… Well, who cares then?

- ...

- Grounds for dismissal? I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Aforementioned Affidavit prepare cable monitor.

[RECORDING: ''You’ll go down in flames man; just do that work.'']

- Actually listen; spawned case file Endangered Rainbow repetition Jolly Rodger echo refrain Sun-shower received decryption antennaed-origin un-American-one-word as bot-net stopper, 'Brown gold,' to receive manual override for classification from confidential fiduciary to institutionalize spelling Terrorism as lower case, 'u,' 'n,' hyphen, capital, 'A,' American, and thus would not comply, and thus parties Terrorist, and multiple times, and so ipso facto is in violation of cooperate fiduciary agreements to simulate rank and file. To ensure sealed memo status of said documentation said deceased officer must remorse the telegraphed maneuver or exchange military actionable Court-martial followed by civil suits of negotiated tech. for his life.

- Objection: misappropriation, Your-honor.

[Online Judge]

- So said council is deceased?

- Irrefutable, Your-honor: disavowed.

- Objection – desultory, Your-honor – clearly a capitalist.

- ...

- ...

- Your-honor, the prosecution rests as the prosecution has been up for 90hours, intends on serving another 24, and still can say without a shadow of doubt that not only was the defense’s previous comment nonsensical, but it was also proof of the intangible and selfinflicting breech of contract that makes the defense a fiduciary liability at stressful junctures when the most secure protocols of intelligence must be strictly adhered to.

[Online Judge]

- The remote redaction is clear. Defense?

- I warned him against initiating an internal review at this juncture.

[Online Judge]

- Though that may be true, Defendant, the warning was a threat promising the prosecution would, 'Go down in flames.'

- That’s – that’s –

- Hearsay and conjecture, Defendant, I understand, but rest assured that I’ll procure the necessary signature from the prosecution to legitimate this unsubstantial consubstantiation. Do you have anything to say in your defense?

- I throw myself at the mercy of the court. I am guilty of instituting government profiling law as a private contractor.

- May it please the court, Your-honor, distribute Affidavit and procure warrant for Said building complex.

- Done.

- Thank you, Your-honor.

{SATOR

AREPO

TENET

OPERA

ROTAS}

[NTRLLY TRNSMSSN NDS]

[TYPING ''So you see, Your-honor; auto-correcting Unamerican into a hyphenate grants safe harbor by terrorizing the proper noun with foreign aid unconstitutionally.'']

- Brown gold.

{So I press, 'delete,' for the first time and the last time in this steel cell.}

[COMPUTER: ''Hot Box Twin D-2-B-C-ing you.'']

''Thanks computer. Goodbye. URI AX Hot Box 22. Muslim Antennae Codex Prism Ammunition And Record Farewell: 'Your-honor, it would be remiss of me to remind you why I am correct especially in chat-rooms – especially in chat-rooms – to pretend to know America as anything less than these United States.' Notation Ends.''

[U.R.Lak_S]

[Computer]

- AUTO-CORRECT Quotation marks U.R.Lak_S as Uri Ax.

[Screen wipes 'U.R.Lak_S,' and rewrites 'Uri Ax.' 'Notation Ends,' also erased.]

- Hear that Your-honor? That’s A.I. I’m a flipping genius! In 90hours I leveraged 170million into 24 hours of full vertical override. I am the leach, 'Remorse.' Before the end of the day you will see Y burial. Promise... This is the end of my direct address, but please understand that I know what I’ve done, and I did it willfully and that I will soon have three fellow Democrats joining you… Stay tuned… Be advised that all I need is a clean up crew to dislodge my, 'delete,' keystroke, and the override shall cease to exist in totum. Totum pro parte...

[Older Male Coughing]

[Phone Conversation]

            - Your-honor, it is I: your personal film industry... Yes, of course, Your-honor. January Sixth, State Supreme Court, around Midday, you said I was part of the film industry, but I would have to prove it... Yes, Your-honor, that’s correct; I have proved it... Well, I'm having a meeting with George in the very near future... No – not in the city – on the Islands... Yes, Your-honor, those Islands... Yes, I’m aware of that... No, Your-honor, that's not the good news... No, Your-honor, you don’t need a pen or paper yet... I land-lined F.I.S.A., and my only station is recording blackout, so I've initiated a reverse wiretap and effectively blacked out a line of credit for us. You're my guy. I have two other sitting Democrats who'll be set to join you in about 24 hours to aid you in your task as the Duke of Earl. One’s tasked to me in county and talked to me during my attempt to sit Jury Duty. The other's inter-city, and quite possibly State, and dragged me from Brooklyn to Manhattan to witness a trial of diplomatic immunity. So you got scores and scores to settle, and I’m looking for a Brigadier General rank in Special Ops because linking Oz Tea As Backer is high... fellatory!

[Older Male Muffled Wheezing To]

- Nononono... You're blacked out!

- Because I landlined F.I.S.A. and essentially bugged them, so for the next 24 hours at least I got serious clout...

...

- What do I mean by that? Roll over; play dead and be prepared to inherit the international gambit as the Commander – in – Chief of the States of Vinaigrette.

...

- Oz, my friend, you are about to be the grand Wizard of Oz-A-Tear or whatever other failed State you need to fly to false flag combustible in ions and ions of black silky satin warfare.

[Totally incomprehensible]

- Nononono, my Eurasian friend, your Caucasian jurisprudence is on the money, and I’m buying 130million in credit that's coming in tomorrow, so my first commandment is rent Stealth and bomb.

[Totally incomprehensible]

- Forget all that. O.S.S. We're going back into business. Me? You can find me. But why bother? I'll be sending 2 Democrats your way to keep me honest. They'll have me in Homeland Security case file Occupy Wall Street/ Japan. I'm the guy that initiated the shutdown in 2011 and tipped the C.B.S. News Van at like two in the morning, catching N.Y.P.D. on a partial strike... No seriously. Meanwhile, let's incorporate into G.P.S. executable prosecutions global; Nondisclosure agreement? Yeah, it means this: how I know I know where you are.

[Totally incomprehensible]

- Along with your Air Force heist, please contract to kill me. My boss is getting evicted from the premises tomorrow, and he'll try to highjack that operation to ensure its success, so technically it's him that needs to be outmuscled to guarantee I'm disappeared. I need room to maneuver.

[Older Male Muffled]

- Ready to have one of the cleanest consciences in the history of man?

- No, Your-honor, thank you for doing what you did and being a real New Yorker. By the time we're done, the Supreme Court will be back on top.